I am tired of negotiating my humanity to strangers.
Or trusting friends who just don’t understand.
Of trying to fit my body into spaces that do not accommodate me.
Only to be told how difficult I am to those who fit in, just right.
I am tired of accommodations to fads and fashions, to power and privilege but that DISability access is too demanding, or we did that the last time, we can’t do that EVERY time.
I am tired of loving a world that doesn’t love me back.
I am tired of patience and desire.
I am tired of betrayal when an apology would be enough—mine or theirs.
I am tired of excuses and abuses.
I am tired of pity and scorn, and entitlement and hatred.
I am tired of the modern versions of the ugly laws and the look of disgust and contempt upon seeing me, by strangers who have no idea who I am.
I am tired of ableist jokes and insults
I am tired of abuse substituted for love, because there are good quiet crrpls and demanding shrews who need to be tamed.
I am tired of character assassinations when their arguments are no match for mine or because they will not be held accountable for their lack of real solidarity.
I am tired of infantilization and being treated like a child.
I am tired of excuses and favors because DISfolx aren’t seen as resources in our own experience.
I am tired of offense taken to be out argued or out spoken by a person like me, uppity, articulate crrpl that I am.
I am tired of having to ask for accommodations only to be treated with hostility for even posing the question.
I am tired of assumptions and accusations of people who know nothing but think they know everything, like why if I can walk up stairs one day, in one location, why I can’t another day in another location.
I am tired of entitlement of others to define for me the parameters of my reality.
I am tired of people deciding for me what I need, what I should be happy with, what I should like and how I should behave.
I am tired of people who never read a single book on DISability access, schooling me and ‘splaining to me how it’s going to work.
I am tired of people who seem to be allies, only to find out that they were keeping score all along, and anything they did to create access was weighed against my next request. I didn’t know you were keeping a running tab and that I was now in debt to you.
I am tired of pity and stares and stairs.
I am tired of “well no one else complained” or “there were other DISabled people there so it must be accessible.
I am tired of the assumption that if I’m the only one complaining that others must be comfortable when really it means that others may be silent because they don’t feel comfortable speaking up, and some people will harm themselves trying to fit in, and others won’t show up at all because they know the risk in asking.
I am tired of blaming the victim, of disparaging a complaint, of killing the messenger, of the cult of positivity, of silencing dissent.
I am tired of those who don’t need accommodations deciding without even a dialogue what access means.
I am tired of the expectation of gratitude for half a ramp, or one day’s effort or half measures in general.
I am tired of trying to fit into public spaces at all.