Diary post: baby steps

today was a day of baby steps. it is hard for me to measure my worth or my progress at these rates. i had a modest yoga practice, essential stretches, scheduled massages for next week made it to the bank to deposit checks that i had been carrying for several days now, bought sports cream because greta thought it would help with the pain, meditated, watched two movies, well, one film and one movie. rested, rested, rested. i ate well, took my vitamins and minerals, an area where i lack discipline. i had wanted to do more, wanted to go to the peace walk and then to the program at the labor center on the change of leadership in utla (united teachers los angeles). lacking the strength for that, i had hoped to get work done around home, update web pages, change internet carriers, fill out credit applications in an effort to diminish the amount of money i get charged in finance charges. two months ago i had zero debt, not including the mortgage, but THE CAR took care of that. (but that’s another blog entry.) i would have liked to finish essays and poems i’m working on and perhaps send some out for publication, I might have looked for work, or prepared to look for work, i would have liked to have felt strong enough to take on regular work, planned film events for café intifada or the we project. i would have liked to have seen some good, concretely, come out of today, but i wasn’t strong enough, not enough to sit up in bed and type beyond these meager paragraphs. i just felt sucked into the mattress, not even able to read. i am learning not to go into despair and self hatred. i am learning to wait until my strength returns. i am learning to honor what can be done in a day. If i look at it all from the outside, these are huge developments, but from inside the cage of this body I just look out with hazy vision at a world out of reach, while both the tasks that bring me joy and those that bring me stability wait until tomorrow, or the next day, or whenever I might be able to take them on.

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